I went back to my home town for Christmas break from college. A girl got my number and lied to me and said she was 16, I'm 18 (In my state, you can be three years apart with no legal repercussions) and we had sex. come to find out she was 14 and lied to me. her parents found out. I now have a lawyer
Today, I found out that my best friend, the love of my life, is no longer engaged. He's now married. I wasn't invited. FML
Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy and he kept winking at me. I thought it was really sweet until later that night he told me he had Tourette's. FML
Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML
Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML
Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML
Today, after a long shift at work, I got home feeling sick and nauseous. I went to remove the tampon I'd had in all day and go to bed, but I literally uncorked myself. There was blood everywhere... on the floor, all over my legs, even on the walls. Everywhere I look, I find more. FML
Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML
Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML
Today, while trying to hold the door open on an elevator, I managed to drop something down the elevator shaft. I'm blind, and the something was my white cane. FML
Today, I have to start wearing adult diapers because I can't stop peeing myself. I'm 22. FML
Today, my wife bought a bright pink dildo and left in the lounge whilst she went upstairs to get changed. We didn't expect the in-laws to arrive with my niece and nephews, who were hitting each other with the - as described by my 5-year-old nephew - "big pink sword". FML
Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML
Today, I was dumped for the second time in 24 hours. First it was by text. Obviously I was not happy. He called drunk in the middle of the night to apologize and profess his love. I told him to get some sleep and think about it. The next morning he called to dump me again. FML
Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML
Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML
Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML
Today, a large figure busted my front door window. Fearing a burglar, I shot at them with my sidearm. Opening the door, I saw the mailman, in his new brown shorts, and my large custom bedding he'd plopped against my door. With 5 new holes. FML
Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington, DC an hour ago. FML
Today, I realised just how lonely I am. After using Tinder for about a week, I got my first match. I said hi while I was in class since I was excited, but by the time I'd gotten back home, she'd unmatched me. I've never felt so hurt by a complete stranger before. FML
Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML
Today, my mother sent a picture that was meant for her husband. I cannot unsee what I have seen. FML
Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the third time." I had no idea. FML
Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML
Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML
Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML
Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML
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