michaelahascall

Today, a girl I've never met before came up to me and punched me in the face, because she wanted to get suspended. FML

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

Useful idiot

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

Higher than the sun

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML