jdb241

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

Rent hike to be expected

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he turned out to be my landlord. FML

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

Check these out

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

Doppelganger

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying, "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as smitten with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

I think we're alone now

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice, saying, "At least someone's having fun…" It was my boss. FML

Bedtime story

Today, I was babysitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two-hour struggle, I finally managed to get them into bed. I then asked them what they wanted before going to sleep. The eldest replied: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

Cornered

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom, so I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then started yelling at me on Facebook, so I logged out of Facebook. She then started yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep, poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

Today, my boyfriend who has just returned from his 3 month placement abroad cancelled our date. Why? Because there was a match England vs Germany. A friendly match. FML

Thanks Outlook

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager." FML