saucybugger101

Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

Customer service

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

Today, I had knee surgery. I have to wear these lovely compression stockings, and going to the bathroom is really hard since I can't bend my knee at all. I ended up getting pee all over the stockings, but I can't take them off. FML

Today, a student came out to me, saying that she thinks she's gay. This has happened several times since I have taught here, which made me wonder why they were comfortable telling me. Turns out being a single, childless woman of my age screams "lesbian" to this particular community. I'm not. FML

Finger on the pulse

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

Barking up the wrong tree

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, as I was building furniture at work, I managed to get my fingernails ripped off and the tips mauled while cutting the wood for a nightstand. As my I was getting bandaged, one of my bosses looked at me and simply asked, "Why'd you stop working?" FML

Today, I got lost in Darkfall Passage in Skyrim and got so frustrated I turned off the game and cried. Thank you pregnancy hormones. FML

When pranks go too far

Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

Today, my mom got so desperate to find me a woman, she went to see a medium. I don't have the guts to tell her I'm gay. FML

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

Snitches get bitches

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

Bovine

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

Today, on my 18th birthday, I was mugged by 6 guys who beat the shit out of me and stole my phone and wallet. They could've just asked. FML

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said, "See you in a decade." FML

What were the chances?

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year-old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

Excuses

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very Christian family, I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "Is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" FML

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

Avoidance

Today, I was driving home from school when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. My offer was rejected as she said, "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway. My driveway. FML