MeowMcMeowenson

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

Dream proposal

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I'm madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling "Marry me Abby?" After seeing it, she locked herself in her room and cried for hours, exclaiming that this wasn't how she wanted to be proposed to. I'd invited my entire family. FML

Mistaken identity

Today, I was walking to my car when I saw a large man walking behind me. I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, but the door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. I then realized that it wasn't even my car. As I walked away from it, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

Stuck on Amber

Today, I went to a Stoplight Party. Green shirt = single, yellow = hard to get, and red = taken. I showed up wearing a red shirt and saw my boyfriend in a green shirt. Thinking it was a mistake, I asked him jokingly why he wasn't wearing red. He looked at me oddly and said, "Oh, you didn't get my text?" FML

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had "something serious" to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was two hours long. FML

POLICE! OPEN UP!

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Yummy

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: Golden Retrievers running through a field, then eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commercial. FML

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

News to me

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left ribcage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

What am I like?

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

Today, I finally finished my art project, which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in first period to give it to my professor. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

Today, I auditioned for a part and made it because the director thought I would be "perfect" for the part and I was "just like the character in every way." The part is for a schizophrenic drug addict who everyone hates and is stabbed to death in the second scene. FML

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn't seem to realize that I'm fluent in the language. He basically called me "ugly psycho bitch." FML