MrKento

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

Dude, STFU!

Today, at the cinema, I sat next to a guy who couldn’t stand a minute without laughing or making comments about the film. FML

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

Subtle

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

Rent hike to be expected

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he turned out to be my landlord. FML

Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML