Mademoiselle En couple
Today, I found out my husband had bought my one year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML
Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "Beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML
Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML
Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML
Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML
Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML
Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML
Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML
Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML
Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML
Today, I found out I have hypersomnia, which is basically being constantly tired. I've been treated with depression for years because the symptoms are similar. I've failed out of college three times because of this. Now, I think I really am depressed. FML
Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML
Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML
Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML
Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML
Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML
Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML
Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML
Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML
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