Hazygoose

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called "How to confess to having an affair." FML

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

Today, on my first day at a new job, my boss asked how old I was. I replied, "Eighteen." She responded that she was my age thirty years ago, which makes her the same age as my mum. When I told her, she gave me a puzzled look, so I repeated myself. She was my age thirteen years ago, not thirty. FML

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML