dejath0mas

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

Today, I gave myself paper cuts on the sides of my mouth while licking the cover of a pudding cup. FML

Um… you what now?

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

Next time? Never!

Today, my nineteen year-old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said, "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML