SquishBoom

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML

Walked into that one

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said, "Oh, and now you look more handsome." FML

Overdoing it

Today, I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, I played games on Barbie.com and gave up after 10 minutes. They were hard. FML

Cheap

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2-for-1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

Classy

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML

Powerful

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face onto my knee and breaking my nose. FML

Comeback

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response, "Lucky you." FML

Good question

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML

Pleased to meet you

Today, my parents met my boyfriend's parents for the first time… while they were bailing us out of jail. FML

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

Fountainhead

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box saying, "Love, mom." FML

Call the cops

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

Best clapback

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

Surprise !

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They apparently thought it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

Picked

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML