Lenho

Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML

Delicious

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, while eating a bag of Starbursts. The bag slid off the bed, so I went to catch it and in the process my knee hit my laptop, which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my laptop to save 11 Starbursts from falling. FML

Slipping up

Today, my daughter used Pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

Today, I woke up lying on the ground outside with a horrible headache. I camped out in my tree house last night. FML

What a dick

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

Today, I scored the winning goal in my soccer tournament. For the other team. FML

Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

Today, I was looking through some old family pictures for a scrapbook I'm making. I found images of my dad passed out in his underwear, my great-grandpa having a drunken bath, and an unidentified moustachioed man sitting on the toilet, giving the photographer the finger. FML

Mixed reviews

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

Wakey wakey

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML

Needs

Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML

Keep on going!

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML