QuisMysterium

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Too late

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "Douche bag!" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML