cbtc17

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

Shark Week

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

What's up doc?

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML