Monsieur 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I got a gift from my ex-boyfriend who's currently studying abroad. He got me a really creepy snowglobe for my "collection" as a sweet gesture, maybe to win me back. Except I don't collect snowglobes. He'd confused me with the girl he cheated on me with. FML
Today, after always thinking I wasn't ugly, just fat, I've lost 30kg and it now turns out I was wrong. FML
Today, I came home to to find my roommate spinning on a computer chair, shitting everywhere. He'd taken Peyote. Now the whole place smells of poop. FML
Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML
Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML
Today, I live in the same country that deployed the National Guard to suppress peaceful BLM protests, yet allowed a bunch of psychotic Trump supporters to break into the Capitol. I’m ashamed to be human right now. FML
Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML
Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML
Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML
Today, I heard my sisters fighting downstairs, so I went down to see what all the commotion was about. As I entered the room, one of them picked me up and threw me at the other one. FML
Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML
Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML
Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML
Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting two holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML
Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML
Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML
Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML
Today, I had to finally give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he at least trims his giant mass of unruly pubes or no more sex. I feel I have no choice since his huge bush has left friction burns on my face and down below. He doesn’t see the problem. FML
Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML
Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML
Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML
Today, while me and my husband had sex, I called my husband "Gabe". That's nowhere near his name and I don't even know a Gabe. He then asked what that means "Gabe darling". FML
Today, my wife and I tried to spice up our sex by blindfolding her. She started saying it felt good inside her, but I hadn’t gone in yet. I look down and our hamster escaped from its cage and was crawling inside her. FML
Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, naked. FML
Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML
Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML
Today, while being intimate with a guy. I wanted to be sweet by going down on him. Unfortunately, I got him too excited, and he farted in my face, 2 times continuously. This was the first time that anyone had ever farted in my face. FML
Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML
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