CutiePatootie24

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

You've tried this before, right?

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

Boo!

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

Camouflage

Today, while I was removing my makeup with my boyfriend watching, he mentioned that he used to think girls were prettier without makeup on, but he'd now changed his mind. FML

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML