Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML
Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML
Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML
Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML
Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML
Today, during my family's traditional fourth of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML
Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML
Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML
Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML
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