limegreenpoopie

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

RUDE!

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said, "Well, at least you're trying." FML

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

Classic

Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML

Tiptony Buskertano

Today, I was playing guitar on the sidewalk and had my guitar case open for tips. A man came up with a folded piece of green paper, smiled and walked away. After I was finished, I looked at my tips. I unfolded the paper, it was a note that said "You suck!" FML

Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML

Desperate nan

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML

IN A RUSH, SORRY

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2-month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

Joe Bidet

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

Not so white lie

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML