Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML
Today, I walked into Best Buy to buy a 42" widescreen TV I'd been saving up for many months. As I walked in, a man stopped me and handed me my wallet that I'd accidentally dropped. I thanked him. Five minutes later at the checkout, I opened up my wallet to realize it was empty. He had stolen everything. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML
Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML
Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML
Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I had a chest X-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML
Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML
Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML
Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML
Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML
Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML
Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML
Today, as part of my veterinary degree, I had to demonstrate how to jerk off a dog in front of my entire class. Afterwards, the lecturer said that I have the 'magic touch'. FML
Today, I woke up with horrible pain in my gut. It got worse and worse, and I started vomiting from the pain. My mom said it was the flu and that I needed to "man up." It turned out to be appendicitis, and I'm now typing this from my hospital bed. FML
Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML
Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML
Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML
Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML
Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML
Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML
Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML
Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML
Today, I crawled into bed with my boyfriend. He was snoring loudly which is how I knew he was passed out cold. Once I was under the blanket next to him, he slowly turned over, stared me straight in the face and said, "I have to kill you". Then started snoring again. FML
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