Monsieur Harrison, 'merica
Today I had just masturbated when my girlfriend came over and wanted sex straight away. It was too soon after my first orgasm and I couldn’t get an erection. She got unreasonably upset, accused me of not being attracted to her anymore and ran out crying before I could explain myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said, "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD, I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML
Today, I found out that my older brother has been watching incest porn. I am now scared to go home whenever he's there. FML
RESPECT MY AUTHORITHAY!!!
The little guy kinda had it coming.
In the latest literary blockbuster à la Twitter, a pre-teen learns the importance of sex education after his girlfriend tells him he’s gotten her pregnant. He’s ready to own up to the FML until he learns something crucial: you need to have sex to get pregnant.
After a question was asked to women on Reddit about worst experiences with guys who at first appeared to be nice, but turned out to be the worst kind of sexist asshats, this story about a policeman intervening to save a date from going quite bad to the absolution worst caught our attention.
Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML
Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML
Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML
Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML
Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML
Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He decided that the best time would be while I was giving him a blowjob. He then seemed confused as to why I didn't finish. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out and threatened to send me to a Bible camp, after catching me admiring a photo of a bikini model, which is apparently "immoral behavior." This is the same woman who cheated on my dad twice, justifying it by claiming the Devil tempted her. FML
Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML
Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML
Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
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