Today, I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me, "I like your shirt. Most fat people don't look good in horizontals." FML
Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML
Today, while I was taking a break at work, someone stole my iPod from my desk. I work in a police station. FML
Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML
Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML
Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus's new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML
Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML
Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML
Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said, "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML
Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML
Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she'd carved her old boyfriend's name in her arm, and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML
Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML
Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML
Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No. Now get out of my house." FML
Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML
Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML
Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML
Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I almost suffocated. FML
Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML
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