raelyn171

Today, my boss asked me, "Can I give you some constructive criticism?" I said yes. He told me, "Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can't figure out why I hired you." FML

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

Let that sink in

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

Narc

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

Better out than in

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

Late stage Lucy Letby

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

Today, I found out a guy I work with has an eye twitch. I thought he was just a winker. I have been winking back all week. He either thinks I'm an asshole or am trying to seduce him. FML

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

Stranger danger

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

Check this out

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there a while. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for, "Help." FML

Misheard

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered, "Nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

Hello there!

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

New look

Today, it's the 3-month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

Today, I broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table. FML

Terrible prank

Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

Outta my way

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

What are you doing?

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML