GlaoigharAirm

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house while his plumbing was being redone. I really had to pee, but the toilet wasn't working, so I peed in his cat's litterbox. His cat got defensive, and started attacking me while I peed. My boyfriend walked in and saw the whole thing. FML

Ouch!

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

Procrastination

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him… but I can hear him in the walls. FML

Naptime

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Hi there!

Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML

Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML

Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML

Thanks but no thanks

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said, "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

Ticklish

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said, "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was, "So does yours." FML

Cool story, tell it again

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

Today, I came home from vacation to discover that one of my friends had broken into my house, painted my room a hideous color, ruined my hardwood floors with the paint, and left huge mess for me to clean. When I confronted her about it, she called me ungrateful. Everyone I know agrees with her. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

Gimme the drugs

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

Very funny, ha ha

Today, my 20 year-old son thought it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

Golden slumbers

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML