toodrunc2no

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

Catfished

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

Bad omen

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML