yourwifelovesme

Shit life

Today, I stayed home while my husband took my mom to a doctor appointment. I am in my room reading Facebook and my dad starting to yell, I thought he was hurt, so I ran into the living room, and he was masturbating. FML

Well done for me

Today, I set up a blind date for my crush, hoping they wouldn’t match... they both thank me for the perfect date and now they decided to go out on Valentine’s day... FML

Delicious coffee

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

After feeling

Today, after I finished jerking off, I sneezed into the tissue with my semen. FML

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple that their “vibrator will go off when a table is available.” I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

Today, after a hard day, I allowed myself a small solitary pleasure. As I was going at it, all of a sudden a little red dot appeared on my penis. A pimple? Nope. The laser that my neighbors were using to show me that I'd forgotten to close my curtains. FML

Today, my wife asked me if we could get a cat. I said no. We compromised. We got a cat. FML

Lost in translation

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

Today, I had to play the role of Superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML