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Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

Today, as a Uber driver, a passenger requested a ride at 5:30 a.m. so he could go a half block to the McDonald's drive thru and back. FML

Today, my husband and I both got smart watches. We were running around, acting like we were in a James Bond movie, having fun. Until our neighbors called the cops on us for hiding in their bushes. FML

Always last

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

Today, my two year-old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

Keep it together

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML

Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML

Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML

Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML

Today, my mom figured that the best time to announce that I'm adopted was during her speech at my wedding. FML

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

Today, my 3-year-old son decided to pull down his pants and pee outside as our local city's parade had just started marching down the street. FML

Today, I did a California stop during a drive with my Driver's Ed teacher. He made me get out, hug the stop sign and apologize to it. FML

Today, I walked in on my son flopping around on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Apparently at age 22, he'd rather pretend to be a mermaid than go out and get a damn job. FML

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

Today, I have a Bachelors of Science at a top university and got denied by Chipotle for a part-time job. FML