Today, I bumped into my old university roommate. He's now a young retired BlackBerry millionaire. I asked if he saw my resume back in the day. He did, and put it through the shredder. Making out with his girlfriend during senior year was apparently very expensive. FML
Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML
Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML
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