SherryA

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

Inspiring

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

At last!

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me "never mind". This same routine happens several times a month. FML

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

Fell for it

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I'd taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML

Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

Awkwaaaaaaard

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

Today, I found out that absentmindedly correcting my boss's use of the word "whom" could result in my immediate termination. FML

Drunken mess

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

Thanks Dave, good one

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

Red flag

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought, "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot?" Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

Freakout

Today, my mother panicked and was about to report me missing when I didn't answer her calls while I was at a movie. I'm 31, and have lived on my own for over 10 years. FML

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

Asshats

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML