mhnilo88

PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

Lookin' good

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

The prequels were great, actually

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML