Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML
Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML
Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML
Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML
Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML
Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend kisses me while I sleep. We're both guys. FML
Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML
Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML
Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML
Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML
Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML
Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML
Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML
Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML
Today, on my way to a concert, some guy told me I had cool sunglasses. I was about to thank him until he punched me in the face. I woke up with no sunglasses and no ticket. FML
Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML
Today, I was following my friend to her house in my car, because I didn't know where it was. I'd been following her for at least an hour when she pulled into a gas station. Turns out I'd been following the wrong car. I have no idea where I am. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML
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