pkreps

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

Charming

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML