Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML
Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML
Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML
Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML
Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML
Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML
Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said, "Good." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML
Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML
Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML
Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML
Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML
Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML
Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML
Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML
Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, and I grabbed onto a fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML
Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML
Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML
Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML
Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML
Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
