Emmy_The_Great

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

Oh, hai Mark

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple of pages, I saw my uncle. FML

Dating is hell

Today, I had a date with a girl at a fancy restaurant. In the middle of it she says, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." I watched her get up, walk over to the door, leave, get in her car, and drive away. FML

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML

Today, my boss fired me because he said I was spending too much time surfing the internet. When I reminded him that my work computer isn't even networked, he said, "Oh, sorry, you're the one who takes too many smoke breaks." When I told him that I don't even smoke, he said, "Just go..." FML

Family, family, family…

Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML

Instant cure

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year-old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she'd said "buried." FML

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. After I left his house, I realized that my cell phone had fallen out of my pocket and onto his couch, where I had forgotten it. FML

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

All over the place

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75 mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

Stuck on ugly

Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

Unfair

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

Gotcha

Today, I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around my room. After several attempts, I stomped on it with my shoe. I was trying to get a closer look at my victory when it flew into my nostril. Turns out it was just playing dead. FML

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

Today, I threw a surprise birthday party for my 3 year old. There was music, snacks and lots of toys. My 3 year old is a cat. FML

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML