Mademoiselle
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML
Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML
Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML
Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML
Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying, "That's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML
Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML
Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML
Today, I was working on my computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eyepatch in a couple of days. FML
Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML
Today, I ignored my phone, as my mother has dementia and calls me 15 or so times a day, thinking each time is the first. I braved horrendous rain and gale-force winds to go to work. Turns out it was work calling to tell me not to bother coming in. FML
Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML
Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML
Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML
Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML
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