gardenwhipped

Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

Today, my mom insisted on putting sunscreen on me. I closed my eyes and shut my mouth while she rubbed some on my face. Halfway through, I burped. I opened my mouth just in time to get a large glob of sunscreen in it. FML

Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML

Today, after checking in and waiting for three hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

Real estate

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

A "friend" indeed

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

Misunderstood

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

False hope

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

Speak to me

Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl has a crush on me. Too bad it's my co-worker's five year old granddaughter. FML

Wait and see

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

SO FRUSTRATING

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

Back to black

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

The ending of Lost explained

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

Bad boys, bad boys

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

Today, my school's yearbook awarded "Cutest Couple" to my boyfriend and me. We broke up yesterday. FML

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML