CardinalStrong10

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

TMI MOM!

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

Equality

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

Trash

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

Grossed out

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

Not the expected response

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

Shame!

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML