dayded

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

Today, I was in the car with my friends. A techno song came on and we started fist-pumping. We hit a bump, I fist-pumped myself in the face, and crashed into a stop sign. FML

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML