roosdedoos

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

Apron strings

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

Drop it!

Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the Bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

Protips

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML