kailamatoso

Today, I was using a public bathroom when a woman backs in, pulls down her pants, and sits on my lap. Needless to say she didn't even notice I was there until I hyperventilated. FML

Street art

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from SpongeBob, with large letters spelling, "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in practically every room of the house. She had then rubbed her butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I tried to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

Likely story

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

Today, I decided I need to get a life. I reached this epiphany when I failed to take notice of my friend calling me, until he started calling out my Xbox gamertag. FML

Today, I was playing with my four year-old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists, and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML