maybeeiwill

Today, on my way to a concert, some guy told me I had cool sunglasses. I was about to thank him until he punched me in the face. I woke up with no sunglasses and no ticket. FML

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

Today, it was my first day at work as a waitress. The day ended with me owing my employers money, after I accidentally smashed an expensive bottle of wine on the floor. FML

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes, "Betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

Today, someone brought cake to class. Trying to get some attention from the guy I have a crush on, I asked if he wanted my piece of cake. He accepted it, and then offered it to another girl. FML