brandisaurs

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

Emergency

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

Holes

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML

We meet again

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great… we graduated high school together. FML

Good girl

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

Small mistake

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML