Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML
Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?" FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML
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