MonkeySpeaks

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over two hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

Whispers

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me, demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

Prepared

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML