Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, it was my last day at my dad's. I thought he'd want to say goodbye, instead he told me, "Hope you've got all your shit. Anything you leave, I'm burning." FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML
Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML
Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response? "You need Jesus." FML
Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML
Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML
Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML
Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML
Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML
Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML
Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML
Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML
Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML
Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because, I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML
Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML
Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML
Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML
Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML
Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML
Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML
Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML
Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML
Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML
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