thornqvist

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in Seventeen Magazine. They were in the "What not to wear" category. FML

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

Today, a friend and I went to Gamestop to pick up a game he wanted. I ended up buying a 17+ game, and I was prepared to show my license, but he stopped me an said, "I know you're 18". He then said, "Man, I've pretty much watched you grow up in this store." A game salesman watched me grow up. FML

Lowkey

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her, "Just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and then turned to me to yell, "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

Ouch

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter swimming. While sitting in the hot tub, my daughter pointed to the elderly man sitting across from us and mumbled something. I couldn't understand her, so I asked her to repeat it. After two more attempts, she shouted, "MOM! He has big boobs!" FML

Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML

Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

Get it now?

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

Today, my 28-year-old brother who has been pranking me all my life, put a chocolate cupcake on my chair. I sat on it, with my white dress. On my wedding day. FML

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

Man child

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

Today, I was reading a book in German, which I don't know very well. Suddenly I reached a passage I had no trouble understanding. Excited, I showed my husband, saying I was finally getting the hang of it. He laughed and patted my head. Turns out, that particular passage was a quote. In English. FML