Leeshawbrown

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

Excuses

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very Christian family, I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "Is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" FML

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

Today, I found out that even after a really bad break up and the fact that I left him for someone else, my parents offered my ex-boyfriend to join us on a one week family vacation. He agreed. FML

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

Dad jokes!

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Reset my life

Today, I updated my Facebook status as, "Lost all my contacts, need numbers". My mom commented, "Her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends." Her comment got 32 likes. FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

Patronising

Today, my dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "Mom." I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me "something nice." FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend, "Actually, it's a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

Keep us posted

Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Today, I came home to find my house destroyed. I was so devastated, I cried. I had spent days hand-crafting the house to perfection, down to the finest detail. On Minecraft. FML

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML