Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML
Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML
Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML
Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML
Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML
Today, a telemarketer called and asked if they could speak to my "Mommy or Daddy." I'm 25 years old. FML
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