Monsieur Miami Bitch 32 ans Célibataire
Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. Twenty minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML
Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML
Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML
Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML
Today, I got in a minor car accident because my mom had to check how many likes her last photo on Instagram had while driving. FML
Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I was enthusiastically pointing his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML
Today, the fire alarm went off at work. My office is on the second floor, and the door to the stairs were jammed shut. The only way out was jumping out the window. The best part was breaking my leg due to someone burning their lunch. FML
Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently, taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML
Today, despite all of the empty seats on the bus, a man sat next to me. So close to me that our legs touched. After a few moments of silence, he got closer and whispered in my ear, "You're so quiet." FML
Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML
Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML
Today, I dyed a friend's hair dark brown. She assured me I didn't need gloves as the dye would wash off. It didn't. My shift as a server is in an hour and it looks like I've been working in a tire shop my whole life. Goodbye tips, hello angry customers not wanting me anywhere near their food. FML
Today, I asked my mom why nobody likes me. She reeled off about a dozen reasons. FML
Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML
Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML
Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML
Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML
Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML
Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML
Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML
Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML
Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML
Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML
Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML
Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML
Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML
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