Cuervo23

Today, I just woke up next to the most unpopular girl in school. Damn Vodka. FML

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. I think I'm a nympho. FML

Today, I went to the midnight premiere of Angels and Demons. A hobo wandered into the theater and sat down behind me. I paid $10 to spend two and a half hours listening to a crazy man talk to himself and kick my chair while he loudly masturbated. FML

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

Prepper

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

Bad timing

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

Classic

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room, he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me, I spread my legs to help out. He then looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

That's so lovely!

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML