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Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML

Too good to be true

Today, I was walking when I saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realized a kid was laying them out in a trail. I'd collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

Today, I had an elaborate fantasy of what I would do if I became a cat and how I would make my way to my crush's house to be their cat. FML

Today, I had to appear in court. My boyfriend gave me a chocolate to eat for comfort. The quote on the wrapper read "Today, you are exactly where you should be." FML

Today, my roommate's extremely loud and obnoxious alarm went off six times, waking me up each time, before she finally gave up on hitting the snooze button and went back to sleep for good. FML

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML