Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML
"He didn't mean to do it. He's a good dog."
Hong Kong Airlines couldn't handle his height.
Today, I went on a blind date. As I waited for him in a pet-friendly mall, my friend said, "He's eccentric and has swag!" I didn't exactly know what she meant until I met him. He arrived with a miniature horse with a light pink coat and puffy fuchsia mane and tail. FML
This woman wins the internet.
This is the night, it's a beautiful night, and we call it bella notte...
Now THAT is what we call an FML.
Glitter seems cool in theory, but in reality? It's just one huge FML that, if not handled properly, you will never be able to escape and that you'll be seeing it in your dreams for the rest of eternity.
Ah, the great outdoors. Wait, where have I seen that exact tree before? FML.
Who knew dogs were so hilarious? Everyone. Everyone knew.
Sometimes, you have to jump in instead of waiting for people to ask for help.
Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML
Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML
Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML
Today, I got to watch how easy it is to break into my flat, after I locked myself out and went to my neighbour for help. He used a blunt pencil. FML
Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML
Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML
"Send cat pics, bby."
It gets you from point A to point B, so quit bitching.
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and started knocking on his door, asking, "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answered, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML
Moving across state lines means getting a new driver’s license, and for Jono Zalay, a new identity. For years, he’s been adopting a new persona for every official government photo he takes and they’re so funny, even the sternest traffic cop would crack a smile.
Today, my boss fired me because he said I was spending too much time surfing the internet. When I reminded him that my work computer isn't even networked, he said, "Oh, sorry, you're the one who takes too many smoke breaks." When I told him that I don't even smoke, he said, "Just go..." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we need to talk. I think he dumped me, but I'm not sure, because he muttered it in Russian and quickly left. FML
Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML
Today, my sister told my mother how she saw our neighbour's son at the movies with a girl and that they were kissing. My mother said that any girl willing to date someone so ugly must have self esteem issues and they laughed. I'm his girlfriend, my sister didn't recognize me. FML
Today, the electrician came because our kitchen light has been flickering. After examining the installation, he screws the lightbulb tighter in the socket. My parents both are PhDs. FML
Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML
Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor, then followed up with, "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML
St. Patrick himself is rolling over in his grave at the mere thought of sobriety on this day. So get out there, get drunk, do embarrassing stuff, and then come back to FML to tell us allllll about it.
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